Central Park East, 7:55am
Good morning, good morning. So, remember how I said I had a story for you last Friday? It was so cold out my fingers were frozen and I could barely type. Well today it was much warmer so I'll tell you about Nicholas and Pineapple. Nicholas......and Pineapple....really? Nicholas and Pineapple are two non-neutered, caramel-colored, toy poodles - perfectly groomed of course - it IS the Upper East Side after all. Every morning this man - probably straight and in his 40's-50's - brings Nicolas and Pineapple for their morning walk and enters the park using the same entrance Sofie and I do. First of all, he brings them in a dog stroller. I think this has less to do with the fact that he is one of those crazy people that wants to imagine their dog is a baby, and more to do with the fact that Nicolas and Pineapple are unmanageable on a leash so he has difficulties walking them down the sidewalk. So, every morning when I see the stroller pull up, Sofie and I walk faster and try to get as far away as possible before these sex-crazed hounds are released to run free in search of ladies.
Pineapple has about half the voracious sexual appetite of poor Nicholas, so he doesn't usually try and follow us. But NICHOLAS is another story. He immediately bolts from the stroller and heads straight for Sofie. Nicholas' owner starts screaming and yelling for him to come back, but Nicholas pays no attention. For the next 10 or so minutes, I walk with Sofie as she is harangued by this little terror trying to mount her. She does this pattern of snaps to Nicholas' face followed by quick (and vain), dashes away. When we get out of sight of Nicholas' owner, I proceed to give little smacks to Nicholas because he is annoying and disrupts my walk. Smacking Nicholas never gets him to go away - he is too in love. Anyway, we eventually get to a point where I feel sorry for Sofie because she has had to defend herself all along the first part of her walk - so I pick her up and stand there to wait for this man to come and fetch Nicholas.
Eventually he comes running up all out of breath and - this is the most embarrassing part - when he arrives Nicholas has his 2 front paws up on my leg and is staring at Sofie and loudly whimpering. Nicholas is begging my dog to take pity on him and allow him to screw her. Nicholas get some game - that is so demeaning! So, the owner gives me a perturbed look - every morning - like it's my fault his dog is a sex freak - and then chastises Nicholas about how he must go back in the stroller because he's been a bad, bad dog this morning.
This happens on frequent occasion lately, so this morning I tried to change up my plans and enter through a different entrance that puts me about a field away from Nicholas. Would you believe that it didn't matter one bit? Nicholas darted across the field at top speed the minute he was let out of his stroller this morning to come and find us. I mentioned to the owner one morning that perhaps Nicholas would be less frustrated and behave if he were to be neutered. The owner exclaimed that he could not possibly ever do such a terrible thing to his little dog........give me a break.
I should just start doing what my Dad - aka the Chuck Norris of dogs - used to do when he used to walk Mundi, our golden retriever in the college fields. What is it, you ask, that my Dad used to carry around with him on dog walks? The answer is a large aluminum bat used for my sister and my softball games (that Ralph Oyler is GANSTER!). I have to think, though, that in NYC if someone saw you walking through Central Park at 6:30am with an aluminum bat, that they'd probably think you had just killed someone and call the NYPD.
There's your morning story - have a wonderful day!
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