Wednesday, September 12th, 2012


Good morning!  Another stunning morning.  Dew on the grass, crisp, cool air, and blue skies.  The truth is, it was such a beautiful morning that I kept waiting for the most beautiful thing to photograph.  When I was riding up to my apartment in the elevator, I realized I hadn't taken a picture of anything at all!

That's ok, though - there will be more beautiful days.

One of the things I thought about this morning was the fact that finding balance in my life is a constant struggle.  I'm not sure how it is for other people, but for me it's always been difficult.  The way it goes is a little like this:

1.  30% of days - I have ideas for dinner, have the house clean, spend enough time with doggies & Brian, don't sleep in dirty sheets, read books unrelated to science, take weekend trips, and leave work early-ish (i.e. 4:30 or so), I exercise and think about exercising a lot.  On these days, I spend most of my time feeling guilty about not doing enough at work or not thinking about work enough when I leave, or not coming in on the weekends.

2.  10% of days - I am ridiculously productive.  "Golden zone."  Balance.

3.  60% of days - I'm bitter that I don't get to finish the books sitting on my bed side table because when I get into bed I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.  Exercise is just something that gets crammed in and not properly enjoyed, dinner may be haphazard, floors of apartment are gritty and shit sticks to my feet but I don't have time to do anything about it.  I climb into my unmade bed at the end of the day and it's got grit and hair in the sheets from the dirty doggies jumping into it.  Work is hectic & I spend hours at a time without blinking either setting up experiments, sacrificing mice, staring at my computer screen, or reading papers.  I do not leave early - I stay late and come in early.  I realize the day goes by without my realizing it.  There is some odd assortment of food in the fridge that can't quite get made into a coherent meal using any combination. 

The hard thing about a PhD is that there's a funny attitude about it.  There are absolutely no boundaries to your personal life.  I love science.  I love talking about science, I love doing science, and I love reading science.  I love thinking about my project and how I could make things work or figure something new out.  It's creative.

However, you could think about it non-stop.  The expectation is that because it's a passion and not just like any other job where you work just to bring home a paycheck you should willingly spend hours at lab and think about science nonstop when you're not there.

The reality is, even though I love it, there's a lot of other things I love, too.  I shouldn't really have to feel guilty about pursuing those other things, because the only reason that work is perceived as "more important" is because someone else  (i.e. culture), tells me that it should be.

I'm not going to come up with the next life saving cancer drug.  I'm not going to win a Nobel Prize for medicine.  Why isn't walking my dogs and eating Ratatouille just as important as being a scientist?

The truth is, it is.